O Cameron, days get hard, but I get stronger. Sometimes the hard times take over and I finally over come them.  Those are the days when I miss you unbearably. Writing love songs for someone, someone 1000 miles away sound easier then it actually is. There are many times I wake up face sticky with tears, pillow damp, heart racing, head spinning, o lovers loving. Missing isn’t easy to let happen, hurt isn’t e

I begin to make friends with shadows on my wall. Noone seems to suffice anymore. No one can compare to you. My tears burn my face, permanent trails engrave my skin, where the moisture was left behind. My heart is sore, words cannot describe. Life maybe eventful but its like Im in a straight jacket just watching it all go by.  Its not that I want to be that way, but I can’t grasp the concept of being without you. Hands shake, reaching out for a place they are safe and warm and fit perfectly. My head is heavy, yet cannot rest, permentally disabled until I see you again. With every word I write, I am weary. I want to describe everything quiet perfectly as if you could see me now. My hair is knotted messy on top of my head, my clothes miss matched not like anyone else will see, eyes begin fading, the circles around get lost in the dark, stomach aching yet food cannot feel this part of me. I want to be with you now, we fit so perfectly. I can wait for my baby to live his dreams, cause mine is just that he is always happy. I love you don’t EVER forget it.

I LOVE him with ALL my heart!

I love his smile

I love his laugh

I love his advice

I love how he cares

I love his face

I love his embrace

I love that he is reliable

I love that I know I cant live w/o him

I love him being my everything

I love that he loves me

I love his kiss

I love his stare

I love that he never lies to me

I love his confidence

I love his calm sense of mind

I love his sense of humor

I love how we can talk about everything & nothing at the same time

I love how he makes me feel good about myself

I love how he brings my best out

I love how he holds me at my worst

I love that his arms are my safe place

I love his wiping away his tears

I love when he plays with my hair

I love playing with his hair

I love when he tenderly touches my face

I love when he blows in my ear lol

I love how we are comfortable around each other

I love how he gives me big HUGE hugs

I love how he lifts me off my feet

I love how he protects me

I love to just look at him

I love how I can never get him off my mind, and I never want too

I love that he is my best friend

I love him for all that he is and all that he can & will be

I love him.

I love him alot

I love him alot alot

I love him alot alot alot

I love him alot alot alot alot

I love him alot alot alot alot, alot

I love him alot alot alot alot, alot alot

I love that I cant stand being with out him

I love that I cry when he goes and knows hell wipe my tears

I love that he takes care of me

I love that I trust him

I love to talk to him

I love that hes different than anyone else ever

I love when he stares in my eyes

I love that he doesn’t drink

I love that he doesnt smoke

I love that he doesn’t chew

I love that he isnt easily suspetible to peer presure

I love that he will always wait for me

I love his dreams

I love that he respects me

I love his confidence

I love his compliments

I love when he says Im beautiful

I love when he kisses my forehead

I love when he kisses my hand

I love that we arent awkward about anything

I love that we dont keep secrets from each other

I love that he has my heart

I love that I have his

I love that I know he wont hurt it

 I love that he doesnt change in front of his friends

I love our long conversations

I love our silly pictures

I love our silences

I love our secrets

I love everything that we are

I love his sock.

I love his smell, even after hockey

I love his hair

I love his dedication, to something he loves to do.

I love hearing his voice

I love when he sings

I love that hes not too cocky

I love to tell him how much I love him

I love that he lets me care for him

I love dancing goofy with him

I love how we met

I love when he like my face lol

I love to pick his nose :p

I love when he needs me

I love that hes my life

I love that he motivates me

I love that he helps me

I love when he tells me he loves me

I love when he carries me

I love when he kisses me nose

I love kissing he prickleys

I love my random messages I get letting me know he cares

I love our songs

I love that hes everything I ever dreamed of

I love that he mine

I love that Im his

I love that Im his FAVORITE

I love our made up words

I love to roll down hills w him

I love to run with him

I love when he sticks his hand in my pocket!

I loves when he wraps his arm around me ands walks that way

I love his warmth

I love to hear him whisper ( I LOVE YOU TARAH)

I love that distance doesnt bother our relationship

I love our crazy jokes

I love when we snuggle

I love our laughs

I love that we can both be pervs and neither person care

I love our sayings

I love how  hes 10 but he looks like hes 12

I love how no one understands what we are talking about except each other

I love how I can call when ever I want and he will WANT to talk to me

I love how I want to talk to him even at 5 am

I love how he sorta understands my morning voice

I love when he holds my hand

I love how we kiss at the red lights

I love how he squeezes my hand tighter during the lyrics that mean something

I love him and want everyone to know

I love that we are sure we want to spend the rest of our lives together

I love how no one realizes what we have, and noone can begin to imagine

I love us, and how we are with God.

I love God for bringing us together.

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM FOREVER & ALWAYS!

<3

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves…. Love NEVER FAILS!
– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 Yeah, it is, the purest kind. The kind people dream of, the kind that you think only happens in movies, well it doesn’t, cause this is it. It makes you smile and your heart beat fast, you can’t stop thinking about them, not that you would want to. You want to lay in their arms forever, never to let go. You want to kiss them, just so they know, it is love. Not that you have to remind them because your sure they know it too, but you WANT to remind them because you can’t stop saying it, thinking it, dreaming it, breathing it. They could be a hundred miles away but that doesn’t even miff your relationship, because its strong, becoming stronger everyday, every minute together, every second on the phone. You just want to lay in bed and stare at pictures that bring back good memories, but there are so many to remember because there all good, but you can’t seem to get that last goodbye out of your head when they had to leave again, wanting nothing more than to hold on with no intentions of letting go, but knowing you had to because it was something they wanted and you wouldn’t be worth loving if you tried to stop them. So you keep staring, but now the pictures are in the distance and the actual memories are playing in your head. Your in love and you want everyone to know, You can’t stop talking about them so everyone already does know, and just smiles and says “yall are so cute”. You couldnt imagine loving someone who didnt love me back, I dont even think you could, cause love is a two sided realtionship. And your relationship  has two sides, shared with no one, and Oh it is love. I hope you feel the same way, because I LOVE YOU! <3

So I always knew there was something different about him. The way he joked about gay people ALL the TIME, fortunately for me he has not showed his colors, at least not yet. But he would straighten his hair and dress in dark colors, to “make fun of the emo kids at Starbucks, but his notebook writings told me other wise. “I want to kill myself but my girlfriend won’t let me.” Its hard enough to deal with the fact that Im the only reason he’s holding on, but the other fact is that he won’t tell me for sure I have to sneak around to find the answers. There are books written about girls boyfriends turning gay, but none that help with the fact that my boyfriend wants to kill himself and that im his purgatory, his safe place between earth and hell or earth and heaven. I don’t think it matters which it is because either way it is scary, for me and for him. At least he’s emo and holding on, I don’t know what Id do without him. Ill be by his side, Im getting him help, but what if that pushes him over the edge, what if he decides Im not enough of a reason, what if he leaves me here to die alone. What if i become emo too? What if  I kill myself the same way he wants to? Ive got to keep it together, Ive just got to let myself know that its ok, its ok to cry.  Why does stuff like this happen to me… I hope he doesn’t die, he’s got to much to live for.

So it drives me crazy. She drives me crazy, not in a good way. In a totally mental collapse sort of way that makes me feel like im drowning in my own words, wallering in my own suffering. She turns the tables, its not that i dont love her, but Im not going to lie, sometimes I aim to hurt her, to get even, to take whatever I can away, just like she hurt me. Its childish in a sophisticated way, argueing about anything that will make her feel uncomfortable. Only talking politely when the other wants one to break. Truth is she takes advantage of me and i try not to let her, but i take advantage of her money and her, dare i say it, love.  Everything I do to her is not like me, its under my standards, i hate myself for it, and hope she has the same thoughts about the way she acts. I guess you could call it hard love, but its all love just the same, not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game. I guess I could image that she is treating me this way to make me stronger, but I have it DRILLED in my mind that its to hurt me, to manipulate my being, all that i am, take it from me, tear me down, with no intentions of building me back up. But I always go back for more, no matter how hard I try to stay way, i just can’t, in a way I admire her, I am drawn to her, I want to know her story, everything she was, but I guess its only natural since she is ….my mother.

Things get crazy sometimes,

Crazy out of control.

You have your mind set on one thing,

Your heart looking at a different goal.

You put the stuff your mind wants away for a time,

 And let your heart take lead,

Let your inner beauty shine.

You turn your heart over,

Being taught not to trust,

But showing the world you can,

Cause with it trust is a must.

You like the way he does,

Everything he can do,

Cause hes always,

Crazy about you.

Now he keeps your heart safe,

Shielding it with his own,

Growing closer with each touch, kiss, hug,

Each minute on the phone.

Now people warn it will fade away,

But if it is truely it,

In your heart forever it will stay.

<3

So I find myself. Once again crying. Wanting everything to stay the same, forever and for ALWAYS. Then I realize that it wouldn’t be that much fun if the world  was like that, boring really. So I dry my own tears, even though there is someone near by, yet far away that will do it for me. I realize every thing that is worth anything is challenged, to prove its worth. So it won’t be taken for granted, yeah? Its hard to realize, but once you do, its something to smile about. To be PROUD of, something you WANT to show the world, the WHOLE world. That doesn’t mean tears cant and wont come to your eyes, but these tears are different. No longer selfish tears, no longer painful. These are tears of happiness, proudness, a little sadness ( cause that wont go all the way away), tears wont help you to hold on, just make it so you wont see. Hold on, NEVER let go, cause this is a test, one you WANT to pass, i know as well as you do.  what you get when you pass, will be everything youve always wanted, and SOOOO much more.

So have you ever not known what to say?  Tried to put things in your own words but they translated wrong? Well I have, but most recently, my friend has. Im making a vow to tell things how they are, how i see them, leaving nothing out. Im not going to lie, bend the truth, even over exagerate, (ok the last one might slip) i’m the queen of sarcasism.  I want people to be totally truthful to me too. even if things hurt. No more hiding Im fully truthful now, more so than I was.  Even my parents, only when they are being retarted, theyre an exception, but only when totally necessary, actually you know what, NOT even to them. Im over it , like if you give respect you get it . So start respecting me cause I wont lie again, unless is ABSOLUTELY neccessary for my well being. over.