So I always knew there was something different about him. The way he joked about gay people ALL the TIME, fortunately for me he has not showed his colors, at least not yet. But he would straighten his hair and dress in dark colors, to “make fun of the emo kids at Starbucks, but his notebook writings told me other wise. “I want to kill myself but my girlfriend won’t let me.” Its hard enough to deal with the fact that Im the only reason he’s holding on, but the other fact is that he won’t tell me for sure I have to sneak around to find the answers. There are books written about girls boyfriends turning gay, but none that help with the fact that my boyfriend wants to kill himself and that im his purgatory, his safe place between earth and hell or earth and heaven. I don’t think it matters which it is because either way it is scary, for me and for him. At least he’s emo and holding on, I don’t know what Id do without him. Ill be by his side, Im getting him help, but what if that pushes him over the edge, what if he decides Im not enough of a reason, what if he leaves me here to die alone. What if i become emo too? What if I kill myself the same way he wants to? Ive got to keep it together, Ive just got to let myself know that its ok, its ok to cry. Why does stuff like this happen to me… I hope he doesn’t die, he’s got to much to live for.
