So it drives me crazy. She drives me crazy, not in a good way. In a totally mental collapse sort of way that makes me feel like im drowning in my own words, wallering in my own suffering. She turns the tables, its not that i dont love her, but Im not going to lie, sometimes I aim to hurt her, to get even, to take whatever I can away, just like she hurt me. Its childish in a sophisticated way, argueing about anything that will make her feel uncomfortable. Only talking politely when the other wants one to break. Truth is she takes advantage of me and i try not to let her, but i take advantage of her money and her, dare i say it, love. Everything I do to her is not like me, its under my standards, i hate myself for it, and hope she has the same thoughts about the way she acts. I guess you could call it hard love, but its all love just the same, not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game. I guess I could image that she is treating me this way to make me stronger, but I have it DRILLED in my mind that its to hurt me, to manipulate my being, all that i am, take it from me, tear me down, with no intentions of building me back up. But I always go back for more, no matter how hard I try to stay way, i just can’t, in a way I admire her, I am drawn to her, I want to know her story, everything she was, but I guess its only natural since she is ….my mother.
