Friday, August 29, 2008
· Filed under friends, humor, interest, life, love, world · Tagged boys, emo, emotions, gay, life, love, relationship, relationships
So I always knew there was something different about him. The way he joked about gay people ALL the TIME, fortunately for me he has not showed his colors, at least not yet. But he would straighten his hair and dress in dark colors, to “make fun of the emo kids at Starbucks, but his notebook writings told me other wise. “I want to kill myself but my girlfriend won’t let me.” Its hard enough to deal with the fact that Im the only reason he’s holding on, but the other fact is that he won’t tell me for sure I have to sneak around to find the answers. There are books written about girls boyfriends turning gay, but none that help with the fact that my boyfriend wants to kill himself and that im his purgatory, his safe place between earth and hell or earth and heaven. I don’t think it matters which it is because either way it is scary, for me and for him. At least he’s emo and holding on, I don’t know what Id do without him. Ill be by his side, Im getting him help, but what if that pushes him over the edge, what if he decides Im not enough of a reason, what if he leaves me here to die alone. What if i become emo too? What if I kill myself the same way he wants to? Ive got to keep it together, Ive just got to let myself know that its ok, its ok to cry. Why does stuff like this happen to me… I hope he doesn’t die, he’s got to much to live for.
Monday, August 25, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized
Friday, August 22, 2008
· Filed under interest, life, love, world · Tagged emotions, intention, interest, love, money, relationships
So it drives me crazy. She drives me crazy, not in a good way. In a totally mental collapse sort of way that makes me feel like im drowning in my own words, wallering in my own suffering. She turns the tables, its not that i dont love her, but Im not going to lie, sometimes I aim to hurt her, to get even, to take whatever I can away, just like she hurt me. Its childish in a sophisticated way, argueing about anything that will make her feel uncomfortable. Only talking politely when the other wants one to break. Truth is she takes advantage of me and i try not to let her, but i take advantage of her money and her, dare i say it, love. Everything I do to her is not like me, its under my standards, i hate myself for it, and hope she has the same thoughts about the way she acts. I guess you could call it hard love, but its all love just the same, not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game. I guess I could image that she is treating me this way to make me stronger, but I have it DRILLED in my mind that its to hurt me, to manipulate my being, all that i am, take it from me, tear me down, with no intentions of building me back up. But I always go back for more, no matter how hard I try to stay way, i just can’t, in a way I admire her, I am drawn to her, I want to know her story, everything she was, but I guess its only natural since she is ….my mother.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
· Filed under friends, interest, life, love, world · Tagged friends, heart, interest, love, phones, relationship, relationships, world
Things get crazy sometimes,
Crazy out of control.
You have your mind set on one thing,
Your heart looking at a different goal.
You put the stuff your mind wants away for a time,
And let your heart take lead,
Let your inner beauty shine.
You turn your heart over,
Being taught not to trust,
But showing the world you can,
Cause with it trust is a must.
You like the way he does,
Everything he can do,
Cause hes always,
Crazy about you.
Now he keeps your heart safe,
Shielding it with his own,
Growing closer with each touch, kiss, hug,
Each minute on the phone.
Now people warn it will fade away,
But if it is truely it,
In your heart forever it will stay.
<3
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
· Filed under friends, interest, life, love, world · Tagged challenge, happiness, live, love, proud, sadness, tears, views, world
So I find myself. Once again crying. Wanting everything to stay the same, forever and for ALWAYS. Then I realize that it wouldn’t be that much fun if the world was like that, boring really. So I dry my own tears, even though there is someone near by, yet far away that will do it for me. I realize every thing that is worth anything is challenged, to prove its worth. So it won’t be taken for granted, yeah? Its hard to realize, but once you do, its something to smile about. To be PROUD of, something you WANT to show the world, the WHOLE world. That doesn’t mean tears cant and wont come to your eyes, but these tears are different. No longer selfish tears, no longer painful. These are tears of happiness, proudness, a little sadness ( cause that wont go all the way away), tears wont help you to hold on, just make it so you wont see. Hold on, NEVER let go, cause this is a test, one you WANT to pass, i know as well as you do. what you get when you pass, will be everything youve always wanted, and SOOOO much more.
