So have you ever not known what to say? Tried to put things in your own words but they translated wrong? Well I have, but most recently, my friend has. Im making a vow to tell things how they are, how i see them, leaving nothing out. Im not going to lie, bend the truth, even over exagerate, (ok the last one might slip) i’m the queen of sarcasism. I want people to be totally truthful to me too. even if things hurt. No more hiding Im fully truthful now, more so than I was. Even my parents, only when they are being retarted, theyre an exception, but only when totally necessary, actually you know what, NOT even to them. Im over it , like if you give respect you get it . So start respecting me cause I wont lie again, unless is ABSOLUTELY neccessary for my well being. over.
Archive for July, 2008
Clean Air . No Air?
Imagine this: Your in your kitchen cooking dinner and the lights go off. You wait an hour and still no lights, no air conditioning, no electricity. So you go take a nap. When you wake up your family is gone, gone out to eat to be exact, leaving you home to starve, not only starve but to starve in darkness.
(the first part isn’t interesting but please bare with me)
Ok so I go outside to sit in the porch, watching the faint glow of the sun, when I see my neighbors pull into their driveway. They get out of their car, not pulling into their garage, later to find out it was because their garage door wouldn’t open because their power was out. I go to say hi, since I have nothing better to do, and Im a pretty friendly person, and end up sitting on their porch for an hour just talking and playing cards, until the lights came on.
We continued sitting on the porch about 30 minutes after the power came on, then I went home. When I went inside there was smoke everywhere, and the smell of burning food. I suddenly realize that I didnt turn the stove top and oven off when the power went out, so when the power came on they reheated and started cooking once again. The smoke is blurring my vision, and the smoke detector starts to sound. I begin to feel my way around my house trying to open doors and windows, but its kind of stupid to do that when it is POURING the rain outside.
I finally get the smoke cleared out, then begin cleaning up the puddles of rain that are in the floor. Its not long until my family gets home, and catches me in the middle of my mistakes, once again blaming the poor girl that has been shunned out of their family, all she wants to do is fit in, to be at least liked by someone. She just wants her daddy to hug her and her mom to love her, is that so wrong. She just wishes she was NOTHING like them, but still means EVERYTHING.
“family day adventure”
So once again I find myself being dragged along, actually more like FORCED to go, on another “family day” adventure. They all turn out the same way, we head out, eyes focused on the destination, then we get lost, and end up doing something dumb, like hiking 25 miles in flip-flops and bathing suits. I’m begining to think that these “detours” aren’t really “detours” at all just lies, cover-ups, of our actual destination.
Today I find myself in the backseat of a minivan listening to my brother complain while my mom is pointing her finger out the window at “interesting sites”, and my dad is sitting quietly in the passenger seat pretending that nothing in the world is wrong. I hate to break it to him but EVERYTHING is wrong. Me being forced out of the comfort of my home, this disoriented family, this idea of a fun trip, its ALL wrong.
Somewhere between heading out to “look for rocks in the river” and actually “looking for rocks”, my mom began making plans to sell our houses and move. They began looking for a house in some large gated community that reminded me of a very fancy retirement home ( my parents ARENT old enough to retire). Then in the midst of all this drama they began searching for private schools for my brother to haul his spoiled ass to everyday. Knowing then they will find a boarding school, and he will eventually run off and come live with me. By that time I will probally be hanging on by the skin of my teeth, barely making it, the only thing keeping we going is pure WILL.
While on this “adventure” I insisted on finding cell phone resception so that I could talk to Cameron who has been away for a REALLY long time. We began our journey down the moutain when we got behind a convertible going 4 miles per hour! With no way to pass them, we sat UNpatiently, well I did, waiting for a clearing to pass them. They finally pulled of the road, (making out while doing so), the Lord only knows what they did when we pulled ahead.
The highlight of our WHOLE “family day adventure” was a dead rotting cow being picked and ripped apart by vultures and various other carnivores looking for a tastey meal. Thats how I felt that I was being treated, that this trip was a test of survival, if I couldn’t make it, I was disowned from my family. Not that they really care for me anyway, but this was the last test, it seems, and something tells me I failed.
when i close my eyes im looking into yours
Laughing comes easy
when Im with you
Smiling isn’t a hard thing to do
I hope you know,
you my favorite
When i say i like you,
I mean it,
I hope you know that to.
When a tear rolls silently across my face,
I always feel that warm embrace,
That i understand to be you,
Holding on,
Hopefully never letting go.
I hope you know,
when i close my eyes,…
im looking into yours.
Don’t let your Dreams be Dreams
“Somebody once wrote that we run away from our dreams when we are afraid of failing. Even worse, when we are afraid of succeeding.”
- One of the many inspirational quotes from the movie Finding Forrester –
This blog is thanks to my friend blogger http://mimulus.wordpress.com/ you should check out her blog!!!
I have dreams to big for this world, and I know it. I don’t let my dreams be dreams though. I try my hardest everyday to make my dreams become reality. A few months ago my world came crashing down on me. I was like no one I’ve EVER wanted to be. I was scared. I was a broken heart that wasn’t worth fixing. Then I realized I was whatever I wanted myself to be so I changed my ways fast. Now Im on my way to becoming the young woman I’ve dreamed of being. Friends that care make me want to keep going.
I hope everyone has friends that care, reassuring them, makes them know that.
Emo Kids Do they wear Bathing Suits?
Ive always been intrueged, I guess you could say, by the emo/ scene kids that sit around Starbucks and play guitar, drink coffee,smoke their pot, and wear black and skinnnnnnyyy jeans. I have always wondered what the motive behind their actions were, either to escape reality or learn more about themselves then anyone would EVER want to know. Either way its kind of cool, yet mildly desturbing to care so little yet so much.
Have you ever wondered how guys fit into those skinny jeans. I have. I also took the intitiative to ask. The answer is quite simply really, tuck and roll.
Anyways, I realized I had never seen and Emo kid swim before. Two possiblities either they don’t wear bathing suits, or they look nothing like their emo selves when they do wear a bathing suit so that noone notices.
Emo stands for emotional, but I can’t say if they are in touch with their emotionals , or emotionally unstable.
Scene Kids say that the style got started in Nashville, TN where the “music scene” is.
*RANDOM* In Washington they call buggys.. carts. Isn’t that wierd?
What do you call them?
Tennessee Camping
Slimy insects, retarded tents, retarded people trying to put up tents, and dusk, don’t make for good camping. No worries though, cause we are from Tennessee and went straight up G on that campsite. Its all harder than it looks, getting ready to camp that is. Jill, Megan, and I went for a GNO ( girls night out) of camping. We got laughed at by a bunch of queers in their camper while we were roughing it trying to put up a tent. We succeeded, so suck that queers. We made a fire, all because Jill took our air matress pump and blew it into the embers. Smores are very tastey with bark in them, its like a new kind of cereal, Fiber Yum. Taking the tent down was the hard part. We ended up putting it into my truck half way assembled. We also found out that trash tends to burn better than wood, even though your not supposed to burn it. But Hey what can we say, we needed a fire! Camping is over for now.. until next. 
World Views
Don’t you wish that sometimes the world would just stop, pause, give you a break. Well it doesn’t so welcome back to reality. The world doesn’t care. It doesn’t care if you are down to your last penny or over your head in debt. It doesn’t care if your heart is broken, matter of fact it probally thrives off heart breaks, evil things, manipulative commments, it only wants to kill,steal and destroy, not build you up. Take a look around, noone is safe here, you need someone to care for you. Not everyone has someone that cares, thats why we need to break out of shell of selfishness and surround ourselves in a shell of selflessness. The world is a terrible place, if you let it be. Don’t hide yourself in a shadow, show your true colors in the sun. Im not writing this to be all HAPPY and annoying and all about CARING FOR OTHERS Im writing this to show that good things can happen. You just to have to make the initiative and go for it.
AYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narcotics, pain killers, anything that makes you sleep, Ive tried it, doesn’t work. I haven’t slept in five days. Its not that Im trying not to, its that I can’t. I have so much stuff on my mind right now, its driving me crazy, literally! School, work, house, car, food, everything Ive come to take for granted is slowly being taken away from me. Im trying so hard to put this puzzle together, but the pieces are fallin into the floor. Im trying so hard to grin and bare it, to smile, but its like I forgot how. I want to remember but Ive lost myself, and its scaring me, Ive lost myself and Im trying to hold on, brace myself for what is to come. Everything works out that is meant to. I have been convinced of that , I truly believe that, that God is in control. I wish tears would heal everything, it would be easier that way, but it doesn’t. But I think Ill be able to sleep tonight, cause Im turning all my trouble over to Him. Im know thats the way its supposed to be. Now worrying isnt one of them, stupid planes, and brother lol
Missing you
Laying on the ground looking up at the sky.
As I begin to think , my soul begins to cry,
Tears that burn the fabric of time.
Nothing seems to stay in line.
Sitting in the darkness,
Its hard to stay awake,
But the thoughts of you linger there,
In a dreamy kind of state.
The kind of state that gives you chills,
Makes you want to break the barrier, anything you will.
Sitting and thinking like only the impossible can get me through,
Suddenly I can talk to you.
Now my voice is kind of shaky,
Hiding 7 weeks of tears.
My hands pointed toward the sky,
From 7 weeks of prayer.
Continue on the last I will do,
Because it is what pulled me through.
(I hope you dont hate this, or me.)
